Can’t Set Boundaries Without Guilt? Read This

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If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty or like you’re letting someone down, you’re not alone. Especially in healthcare, boundaries can feel like betrayal. But what if they’re the one thing standing between you and your well-being?

You’ve heard it before: “You need better boundaries.” But what does that mean?

If you’ve been in healthcare long enough, the word boundaries probably make you a little uncomfortable. You’ve been trained to say yes, to be available, and to stretch a little more even when you’re already at your limit. Setting boundaries might feel like turning your back on the people who count on you. It might feel selfish, cold, or unkind.

But that’s the misunderstanding. And it’s time we clear it up.

What Boundaries Really Are

Boundaries are not about building walls, pushing people away, or becoming unavailable or uncaring. They draw you closer to yourself because they are an honest expression of your limits and values. Setting boundaries is like saying:

- This is what I can give without hurting myself.

- This is what I need to keep showing up with heart.

- This is how I stay well while doing the work that matters to me.

They’re a sign that you’re willing to care more sustainably because compassion without boundaries can quietly turn into resentment and burnout.

But Why Does It Feel So Hard to Set Boundaries?

If boundaries were just about logistics, most of us would have figured them out by now. But they’re not. They’re about identity.

You became a nurse, a doctor, a caregiver—because you wanted to help. You wanted to ease pain, to make things better. And for a while, you could stretch. You could overgive. You could work those extra shifts and still feel like yourself.

But eventually, it caught up with you: the exhaustion, the irritability, the moments when you were physically present but emotionally disconnected—not just from others, but from your purpose and joy. And still, part of you hesitates to draw the line. Because:

- What if people see you differently?

- What if they stop trusting you?

- What if you disappoint someone?

Here’s the truth you need to hear: Disappointing someone else is not the same as betraying yourself. One leads to a conversation, but the other leads to collapse. Brené Brown puts it beautifully:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

It takes maturity to recognize that you cannot be everything for everyone. It takes boldness to say, “I need rest,” or “I’m not available for that,” or “That’s not sustainable for me.”

Boundaries allow us to return to our center, show up to our work with intention—not obligation, and, most importantly, continue to serve without losing the very person who chose this path in the first place: you.

The Question That Changed Everything: What Do I Want?

Without realizing it, I spent years as a people pleaser.

I used to overgive not just in my work but also in my personal life. I’d go out of my way to make people comfortable and earn their presence, approval, and love. I would buy gifts, overextend myself, and show up even when exhausted. I thought it was kindness. But looking back, it was fear. I was terrified of being alone.

One day, my best friend asked me: “Why do you always do what people expect of you?”

I didn’t understand her. I got defensive and angry. She was naming something I hadn’t been ready to see: that I was abandoning myself for acceptance. It took years for that truth to settle in.

I used to say yes even when I wanted to say no. I would smile when I was uncomfortable, agree when I was hurting, and show up when I was falling apart. I thought choosing myself meant losing everyone else. Until one day, I decided: No more.

I started asking myself essential questions before every decision: How do I feel about this? Do I really want to do this—or am I just afraid not to?

At first, it was hard. I didn’t always trust my own answers. I’d check in with myself three or four times. I didn’t want to use boundaries as an excuse—I wanted them to be true.

But day by day, it became easier. I started saying no, not with anger, but with clarity. I stopped explaining myself to people who weren’t listening. Slowly, I discovered a peace I’d never known: the peace of not being where I didn’t want to be, of not talking when I didn’t feel like it, of being with myself and being okay.

This wasn’t a small shift. It was a game changer, a crucial step in my personal and professional growth.

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve been carrying the weight of too many yeses, expectations, and versions of yourself that were never really you. You don’t have to burn everything down to begin again.

Just ask yourself one honest question: If I said yes to myself more often… what might change?

But for now, pause. And remember:

Choosing yourself is not selfish. It’s the beginning of everything you truly want.